I returned to the Netherlands on Monday. Unlike the eventful flights on the way to Canada the return trip went very smooth! Glad it all went well because I didn't want a repeat of the trip to Canada. Today, Auke left Canada to return to Florida - I know that the house has gone quiet, back to the stillness from when before we came. Perhaps it's a relief, maybe a bit daunting. The silence can be good, can be calming, an opportunity to rest...
I live in a small home by myself - after growing up in a family of 5 and then moving to university and living with roommates for 6 years - I have found that silence can also be a bit scary at times. It is in that silence that there's time to think, time to listen to your own thoughts, and hear all the odd noises like the bubbles in the waterlines or the buzzing of the fridge. In that silence it can be a bit freaky - sometimes a spiral of thoughts that you can't shake. I don't know how Lianne experiences quiet, but she sure likes it when people around. So check in with Helma if you want to pop in for a visit with Lianne.
Last week Lianne and I had tea at Lisa and Susan's house. This was the first time since being hospitalized that she made it out to friends' house. I could see how she thoroughly enjoyed herself, she was absorbing every second of it. At the same time I saw how it took so much energy just to be there.
Yesterday, Lianne had her second session with vitamin+mineral IV treatment. She also did some bloodwork and found that there is a high white blood cell count. They're looking into that. Today she has an appointment with the cancer center in Red Deer and a fysio appointment. Appointments are taxing... Pray for strength for Lianne as she answers all the questions, deals with the everything, and also for the people who drive Lianne to the different places and appointments.
We try to stay positive, hang in there, keep hoping, see the good. But some days that is difficult. We've had hard conversations, chats about the future or the lack thereof in the earthly sense. We've talked about God's grace and help in this time but also about our helplesnsess in this situation. I rubbed her feet, massaged her legs, held her hand and we cried together and we laughed too. But there's also a lot you can't do for her, you can't take the coughs or vomiting, can't take the pain or the burning in her legs. Can't wake up limbs that fall asleep or tingle like crazy. Can't close valves so that fluids stay inside. You can drive her to appointments and talk do medical professionals but can't drive the cancer out, can't take this all away.
But staying positive isn't always possible. We can't always stay strong, often don't feel strong at all. We're fragile and weak and rely on God for strength. We need to keep looking to Him.
In the secret, in the quiet place In the stillness You are there. In the secret, in the quiet hour I wait, Only for You,'cause I want to know You more;
I want to know You, I want to hear Your voice I want to know You more. I want to touch You, I want to see Your face I want to know You more.
As I stayed with Lianne most of the nights I was in Canada there were quite a few quiet hours... I heard the buzz of the oxygen machine and the mattress pump full with air. I heard Lianne mumble some words but couldn't make out what she wastrying to say and when I asked it appeared she was sleep talking... I also heard her voice in audible conversation, when she asked me questions and we talked at 3.30 in the morning. When tears rolled down my cheeks and I am pretty sure the rolled own hers too. When we talked about life and how we can't even think without God giving us strength. When we talked about life and heaven and how we can't hold on.
Several nights I read aloud from Max Lucado's book Traveling Light. I believe we mentioned this book before. Each chapter talks about part of verse from Psalm 23. One night I read 3 chapters in a row, Lianne told me the next morning until what point she heard me - which was on the 2nd page! It was a good thing to do, good to read and be comforted by truths based on God's promises for us.
"Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith."(Heb. 12:1-2 NKJV). The writer of Hebrews [...] could have been a jogger, for he speaks of a runner and a forerunner. The forerunner is Jesus, the "author and finisher of our faith." He is the author - that is to say he wrote the book on salvation. And He is the finisher - he not only charted the map, he blazed the trail. He is the forerunner, and we runner are urged to keep our eyes on Jesus."
"Everything improves as I fix my eyes on the sun. Wasn't that the counsel of the Hebrew epsistle - "looking unto Jesus"? What was the focus of David? "You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me." How did Jesus endure the terror of the cruxifixion? He went first to the Father with his fears. He modeled the words of Psalm 56:3: "When I am afraid. I put my trust in you"(NLT). Do the same with yours. Don't avoid Gardens of Gethsemane. Enter them. Just don't enter them alone. And while there. Be honest. Pounding the ground is permitted. Tears are allowed. And if you sweat blood, you won't be the first. Do what Jesus did; open your heart.
[...[ Don't measure the size of the mountain; talk to the One who can move it. Instead of carrying the world on your shoulders, talk to the One who holds the universe on His. Hope is a look away."
Ah, those silent hours in the middle of the dark cold night were so rich. So filled with the Truth Himself. Storming His throne, asking the questions, pounding the ground, asking the cup to be taken from us. In those moments there was hope, there was a real desire to move mountains and run this race because honestly - being comforted by the presence and rod and staff of Christ is the best thing ever! However terrifying the cold and dark night can be, however long the death's dark vale may look now, God is with us and in Him we put our trust.
In the secret, in the quiet place
In the stillness You are there.
<3 Marieta
Hi marieta
I am not sure if you remember me or not, but I am Matthew and Melissa's Thomas mom. I have been reading all the posts about lianne and her struggles and I wanted to let u know that all of you are in my prayers.