where to turn

Lianne called this blog Detour to the Unknown.

In August when she wrote this life was really unknown, many questions and many thoughts that came with that. What does cancer mean, what does aggressive mean, what does rare mean?

What does a detour bring? How do we respond, and how do deal with it all?

Two weeks ago the cancer center in Red Deer decided they wanted to treat Lianne with radiation. Lianne went in on Friday, Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Treatment in Calgary back in September was a piece of cake compared to the last treatments. It was difficult to get comfortable and it required extra meds to get Lianne to calm down. Friday she had the last of the treatmens and they paused it for now.

The Vitamin/mineral treatment is at a standstill as it can not run simultaneously with radiation.

Lianne has fallen several times due to lack of balance and weakness all over her body. Her body does not respond the way it used to, does not work the way it should.

Since last week Lianne has had some panic moments too where anxiety kicks in. These unknowns are scary. It is terrifying not to be able to breathe properly even with oxygen machine running. It is painful when every position you try hurts and brings many aches. It is terrifying when you try to say something and only Dutch words come out or you don't make sense to the people around you at all. I can't imagine what Lianne is going through, can't grasp the pain she experiences or the hurt she feels.

I am unable to give this a place, unable to comprehend this, unable to be at peace about it.

Lianne's breathing is laboured and even with oxygen she does not get enough air.

Lianne's body hurts and no matter the positions or chairs or beds she tries it just doesn't work.

Lianne's mind is becoming more and more foggy - partially because of the meds, and partially because of other reasons.

Lianne's spirit is also labouring. It is difficult and a hard journey. This detour is a trying, a trial, a confusing road to take. It doesn't make sense and she also doesn't comprehend it.

We are thankful for the support from people. For the ramp that was build last week. For hte meals. For the cards and kind words. For the hugs and even for your tears. We are thankful that you support us.

I have felt very weak the last weeks. After jetlag symptoms wore off exhaustion remained. I try to do my work and find joy in it. I enjoy moments but man is it hard when your heart breaks, when your mind tries to make sense of the situation, when you have to explain and re-tell what is going on... but you don't know what is going on. Can't grasp it.

This is what they call stress I think... I am broken down and on my knees, crying out...

And you know what, in that pain, in that brokenness, in the tears I feel God. We all do. Yes we cry out. Yes we wonder why and how and why doesn't He just take her. Yes we are at loss what to do...

But it is the strength of Christ in us. I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the lifewhich I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. (Galations 2:20) His strength flows through our veins, His hand upholds, His arm embraces us.

We don't do this on our own. We're not courageous or strong or heroes. We do this, and look daily, hourly, for the Lord. He is here and here with us, with Lianne.

We're in survival mode too. So any things don't seem to matter any more, we just don't care. This is a life and death situation and all we want for Lianne is to be with Jesus. To no longer have pain. No longer have fear. No longer have restlessness or anxiety. We want her to dance and sing and be made whole... We want her to have peace, and rest.

Right now we rest in His embrace, trusting that He has all of our lives in His hand. And we cling to Him, for strength, for life.

Please remember Lianne and all of us in prayer.

We're scattered across the globe. Corne is flying to London and then to Calgary tomorrow, pray for travelling mercies.

Pray for mom and dad as their daughter is dying. Pray for the siblings as they're learning to let go. Pray for nieces and nephews as their young and vivacious auntie is no longer that and they have to process this all too. Pray for all who are involved in caring for Lianne. Pray for peace and rest. Pray for God's kingdom to come. For His will to be done.

Rest in the Lord with quiet trust.

Wait patiently for Him

Though wickedness triumphant seem

Let not thy faith grow dim.

In Christ,

Marieta

(As English teacher I made a huge mistake - no proofreading happened this time... Oops)